Vulnerable
That word has gone through my mind recently. It is not a nice word. I don’t like it. I don’t like having to be vulnerable because it means I need to lay down my pride, which is oh so hard for me to do!
When you receive news like we received last week, it’s easy to close up what’s going on inside and let everyone see me shoulder on… doing just fine. (yeah right)
My husband is good with sharing the facts. He can just state how things are. I tend to get emotions all tangled up in the facts, and it is hard to not let it all out at the same time.
OK, so here goes….
The Facts:
Our Ugandan adoption fell through.
Ali’s Emotional Response:
We lost our chance to adopt our baby girl! The world is ending! We’ll never be able to adopt! God, why us? Why me? What are You doing? Does this mean I am about to die soon?
The Facts:
We were never guaranteed that this adoption would go through. It was a chance we took based on information we were given from our agency.
Ali’s Emotional Response:
But we loved her! We prayed for her. We dreamt about her being a part of our family and living in our house! We showed her picture to our families. They wanted to meet her too! We were told the birthmother definitely wanted to make an adoption plan!
The Facts:
The birthmother changed her mind, decided to parent her daughter, and disappeared.
A.E.R.:
What?! Does she know what she is doing? Does she have a plan for how she is going to take care of her daughter? What will end up happening to her? We are so sad! I feel angry. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel fed up and ready to give up hope!
The Facts:
It is not in God’s plan for us to adopt this little girl.
A.E.R.:
I thought we were following Your will, God. Why did You lead us down this road that led to nowhere? If this wasn’t Your will, why did we feel so strongly that we should pursue it?
With all my questions for God, He answers me gently with HIS Facts.
God’s Facts:
“I am in control. I have a plan for you. And I have a purpose for you going through all this. I love you, and I will never leave you nor forsake you. I love that little girl too, and I am watching out for her. My timing is perfect. And you were not wasting your time pursuing her, you were fulfilling MY time. My wisdom is infinitely higher than your wisdom, and I know what I am doing. I am working for your good, to conform you to be more like Christ, and that doesn’t always mean you will get the ending that YOU think is best. My ways are better. My ways are best. You will see it. Hope in ME. Wait on ME. I will redeem your pain and your hurt. I am trustworthy.
P.S. The world is not ending, and you are not about to die”
A verse I read after we found out about the failed adoption gave me comfort:
Psalm 71:3, “Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I continually come.”
I want God to be my refuge. When things keep falling apart on us, I want to continually go to God. I know He is the answer. I kind of have the feeling that our struggles are not over. Ok, I know they are not over, and there are many more to come. But I want to say that I continually find refuge in God, and keep going to Him no matter what I face.
So that is where I am today. I am feeling confident and hopeful that God is on my side, and He knows what He is doing. God gave me the grace to be able to move forward and leave the past behind. Last week, I was mess. Now I am much better, ready to share with all of you our journey, and encourage you to trust the Lord as well.
Our adoption journey is not perfect. It is not smooth. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not what I had expected.
But it is the route that God has set us on, and we follow. Yes, things have been falling apart on us, but that brings us into more dependence on HIM.
Thank you for all your prayers on our behalf and on the behalf of our little Sweet Pea! They meant so much to us, and you were a part of our journey with us!
We will not be adopting from Uganda from this point forward (unless God has some unforeseen plan). We are keeping our case file open at the adoption agency, since all our paperwork is current and finished, but we will not be actively working with them anymore. Our focus and energy will be centered on our Congo adoption from now on. Keep us in your prayers!
Though this was a tough read, emotional and painful, it was awesome and encouraging. Thank you guys for loving Christ and posting your thoughts and emotions toward our awesome Father on here for us to read. We are praying for you guys!
ReplyDeleteThe Rainbow's
Thank you guys! We really appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteOh my heart knows this ache. It is a death, a grief which some discount as minimal because you never held her, but they do not know that you have dreamed of holding her for so long. She was as much yours as if you were counting down to a due date. We've known this pain. I know we serve a Great God, who is also A Great Big God! He saw this one, he knew it was happening. Thank you for being vulnerable and putting words to your deep pain. "though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." There is a healthy couple wanting a baby. There are babies needing families. This will happen, the timing is the issue....and that part is in HIS Hands! We love ya!
ReplyDeleteOh Ali, so so so sorry to hear this news. My heart aches with yours. I will be praying for God's supernatural comfort right now for you. Praying in faith for little feet, little giggles, beautiful smiles for you in God's timing. Love you guys.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Alison! But, I am more than blessed by your testimony of seeking to find refuge in the Lord. Though I haven't been in your exact situation, I've experienced a similar pain before and it was so strange (and wonderful) to get to the point for the first time in my life of fully seeking refuge in Him (by absolute necessity). Since then, He's proven Himself over and over. It was a blessing to read your honest and humble thoughts and I am praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog, as I am trying to decide whether to adopt from the DRC or Uganda and saw you lost your referral. I saw you have been waiting for a long time and wanted to let encourage you to keep the faith that it will happen. I have one son, who is 3 years old. It took 2.5 years for him to come home. I had failed adoption tries in Russia and Kazakhstan. Then I switched to domestic adoption, where I had two more failures where I was matched with a birth mom and it fell through. The last one was the hardest because I traveled to pick up the baby, only to find out right after my plane landed that the birth mom had changed her mind and the baby was in foster care. I was beyond devastated and it really felt like it would never happen for me. But it did. My son is now the light of my life and I have jumped on this outrageous adoption roller coaster again. Keep the faith. It WILL happen! When I was at my lowest, a friend told me the only people who don't come home with a child are the ones who give up. I was determined to not be one of those who gave up. You have not given up either and your child will come home. And when she does, you will understand exactly why it took long.
God's blessing. I am praying for you guys!
Tammy (kaleymeister@yahoo.com)
Thanks so much for the encouragement Tammy! It really means a lot!
ReplyDelete