What a crazy summer it has been

Dear Friends and Family and Random Blog Readers,

I apologize for being so absent!  I know, it's been a long time since I posted!  A lot has happened in the past few months.

How can I sum this up?  As I said before... Adoption is a Roller Coaster!

OK, a little background.  Earlier this summer, we started hearing about problems with our agency.  Serious problems.  Yeah, the wait was taking FOREVER... yeah, people are bound to complain about this or that... but the things we started hearing were unbelievable!  Soon enough, the agency admitted there were problems.

What kind of problems are serious enough to cause so much concern?

Well, the in-country staff seem to no longer have the best interest of the children in mind.  Unethical practices surfaced.  There were cases of embezzling money, so less money would go to the care of the children.  Faking documents.  Lying about ages, the existence of siblings, and lying to the children about what adoption really meant.  Kidnapping children.  Yeah... let's just say that the coordinator is now in jail.  

  

Disclaimer: I have not personally verified all information.  I can only trust the things that I have been hearing from other adoptive parents, combined with responses I have personally gotten from the agency.  Someone else in the program may have a completely different experience.

OK, so you have to understand that there are no guarantees that things will go 100% smooth, and 100% ethical in international adoption, especially with new programs in Africa.  

The fact is, corruption does exist in the DRC.

Good agencies are trying their best to insure they conduct ethical practices as much as possible.  Checks need to be in place to make sure everyone is acting honestly.  And sadly, our agency wasn't doing much checking.  I don't want to mention what happens as a result of this. 

If you are involved in international adoption, please ask your agency what they are doing to ensure their program is ethical.  How many times per year do the staff travel to the country to make sure things are happening correctly?

Other red flags... Can they give you a break-down of where the fees are going?  Can they prove their orphan support expenses?  Do they have receipts?

These are answers that we were not getting from our agency.  Now, recently, the agency has been making some changes to the program that seem to be helping.  I sure hope they can turn things around.  However, concerns still exist, therefore... 

We have decided to put our DRC adoption ON HOLD.  We cannot move forward with this agency at this point.

Yes, we know, that this complicates things.  We know that our home study is set to expire, as well as our immigration approval.  If we are not comfortable moving forward, then we will gladly risk the money and headache to re-do these things at a later time, so that we do not violate our consciences.  We DO NOT want to be involved in anything illegal or unethical!

OK, so what's next for us?

First of all we need to close on the house we are trying to buy now that we have moved to California.

Next, we are looking into the possibility of pursuing domestic adoption.  This means we are matched with woman in the United States who is about to give birth and is looking to place her child for adoption.  We would be able to bring a newborn baby home from the hospital, and there is the potential that the program will move a lot quicker than our current DRC program.  We are excited about this possibility.  We know there are many babies who need homes (especially African-American babies) and we are open to accepting and loving a little one into our family.

We are still working on finding the right agency to help us pursue this possibility.  That brings us to the paperwork.

Paperwork!

Already as it stands, we are needing to update our Home Study.  We have moved countries, moved homes, and it's been about a year since it was completed.  It is a good time to refocus and decide what we want to update.  We are looking for a Home Study agency who will helps us write a domestic home study as well as have the capability to write an international home study.

What about Africa?

We still hold Africa in our hearts.  We are not saying no to adopting from Africa, but we might be saying not now.

Strange Update: earlier this summer we got an email from our Uganda agency out of the blue.  

We were told that our Sweet Pea's mother had returned to the baby home with her daughter and was wanting to place her for adoption now.  WHAT!?  We thought that chapter was closed!  The agency was traveling to Uganda in July and would find out if this is a possibility again.

I have to say, my heart skipped a beat!  I love that little girl and want so badly to care for her if she needs a mamma.  But I am now cautious, knowing that until paperwork is completely ready, there is no guarantee that it will go through.  

I just heard from the agency today.  Baby girl is not ready to be adopted, and it would be a very difficult process to complete.  It is not worth the risk, and we are sad to see this is the case.

However... while in Uganda, the agency found another baby who is a possibility for our family!  Talk about the roller coaster!  Up, down, up down!  They still have to collect more information on the situation, and find out if it will go through easily.  We didn't expect to be adopting from Uganda again!  And we are still not sure we will.  Possibilities are one thing, but completed paperwork is another.

So, can we ask for your prayers?  We need wisdom to make the right the decisions.  I just read on another blog today... God is Always, Always, ALWAYS on time!  So I have to trust that the reason it has taken us almost three years to this point is because God is working to place the child or children that are meant to be a part of our family at JUST THE RIGHT TIME!

Honestly, at times, I am completely at wit's end.  I am ready to give up.  This process is too painful.  This process is too long.  I cannot handle any more.  How do I keep faith in the middle of all of this?  I guess, it takes just clinging to God in full dependence on Him.  Trusting, that He has a plan for us.  Following what we believe to be His will.  We have an adversary that wants us to give up and give in.  I do not want him to win. 

I am thankful that Christ has overcome!

Created For Care Retreat report

I am a little behind on posting about my amazing adoption retreat, Created For Care.  We've been busy getting settled into our new temporary home for the next two months.  But I need to share finally about this wonderful experience!

This was one of the most amazing retreats I have EVER been on!  I can't even really put into words how over 400 women, almost all strangers to each other, can end up becoming best friends over one weekend!  

There was something unique about this retreat.  Every woman was different, but we all shared the same heart for God and for orphans.  It immediately put us all on common ground.  It was not odd to walk up to a new person during the weekend, introduce yourself, and then start talking about where you are adopting from and which agency you are using.  Not only that, within a matter or minutes, you might even be sharing some of the deepest struggles you have with this new friend, feeling relieved in a sense that there is finally someone who "gets it."  The thing is... there were 400 other women there who "got it"!  

There is no need to explain what an I-600A is or a I-171H, or define "dossier" or "USCIS."  They ALL knew!  We could just talk freely about the processes we were going through... some in the waiting phase, some in learning how to attach to their newly welcomed child.  There were women there adopting from all over... Ethiopia, The DRC, China, Korea, Uganda, Ukraine, Russia, Colombia, and many from even the USA.  Between the 400+ of us, we represented homes for around 1,100 children!  That is amazing!

I made some great friends, from the people I met on Facebook and ended up rooming with,

(Missing Ellen in this pic!)

to people I just sat at the table with for breakfast, lunch or dinner.  

I realized that I am among several families who have also been through difficult losses of referrals or countries closing down.  I am NOT ALONE.  And that is one thing that made this retreat so special.  With the overwhelming support from others, you no longer feel alone.

As I have heard several people mention already, this retreat taught us a lot about raising our children, but even more so, taught us so much about God's love for us.  We met with God in very real ways, we worshiped Him, with listened to Him, we submitted to Him.  I believe a part of it began with the setting.

The retreat was at the beautiful Lake Lanier Resort in northern Georgia.  This is truly an oasis!  

It was a lush, green resort, surrounded by forest and a beautiful lake.  

The lodging was built as a cozy and comfortable forest lodge.  

The view out our balcony was so relaxing and peaceful.

Next I have to say that I think this was the MOST well-put-together retreat I have EVER been to!  The Created For Care team was amazing!  Throughout the whole weekend there were tables set up to sell items supporting and representing many adoption and orphan-care organizations.  

Cute t-shirts, magazine-bead necklaces from Africa, baby blankets, cook books, Ethiopian coffee, you name it!  One of the best parts was the endless supply of food!  We had snacks available during the whole conference.  There were these huge bins with around 12 different kinds of candy that you could just grab as you walk by.  There was fruit, crackers, cheese, muffins, brownies, cookies, etc.  There were coolers too where you could go by and grab as many drinks as you wanted, water or sodas or juice, etc.  The meals were excellent!  We had a taco bar the first night with all the toppings you would want!  The next night we had grilled salmon, grilled chicken, green beans, mixed rice, rolls, salad, etc.  We even had a popcorn and movie night/pajama party!  

(C4C team doing a rendition of Ice Ice Baby!)

In addition to the food, our sessions were well-planned out.  The main sessions included excellent speakers and a very blessed and God-exalting worship band.  How they put all of this together... I don't know!  But everything was done in a way to really bless all the women who attended.  And I indeed felt blessed!

The sessions were great.  We learned about attachment, about our identity in Christ, reclaiming our child's story, parenting transracial children, calling forth the treasure in our children, and God's message for us as women.  I have to say that from the first session Friday night, probably when we first worshiped together in song with everyone, the tears started flowing and didn't stop until the weekend was over and we were driving away!  I don't think a single person walked away with dry eyes!

The Lord was teaching me personally several things over the weekend, but maybe that can wait until another post.  If I ever get a chance to go to another one of the Created For Care retreats, I will definitely be there!

Every body needs a little break sometime

Well, I haven't posted an update lately, and I'll tell you why...

I found that constantly checking in on the progress of things is stressful!  It was getting to be too much, and kept me worrying.  So, I have decided to take a break from a lot of the adoption reading, research, blog reading, checking-in with my agency etc.

Since the last time I posted, things have calmed down, and it has given me more peace.  In reality, everything will happen in God's timing whether I check in on things every week or not.

We are in the waiting phase.  Waiting for a referral, and we are several months away from that.  So there is no point in stressing over it now!

Now that I have gotten that out of the way....

I have to tell you about a really exciting thing coming up.  I am going to the Created For Care adoption retreat in Georgia!

I had heard about the retreat when it first started last year.  Then they had one in January, and now, the timing works out perfectly for me to go to this one in March!  I registered for this retreat before I decided on my little adoption sabbatical, so I knew it was coming.  I am really excited, and I am ready to dig right in to all sorts of good information too!

I think what I am most excited about is being around other adoption mothers who understand what I am going through.  It is hard because I do not know many people over here who have adopted.  And I will soon be surrounded by over 400 women who all have adoption on their hearts!  I think it is just the kind of retreat I need right now!

As far as updates, I cannot tell you where we are on the list because I haven't checked.  I probably won't check for at least the next couple months as well.  Unless our agency contacts me, or we all of the sudden hear that we get a referral, I won't have any new news for you.  Right now, I think I like it this way.  Maybe a couple of months down the road I will not like it so much, and I will be checking in, but for now this is what is good for me.

So, in case you were thinking about asking how things are going, I can tell you that I honestly do not know.  Thanks for asking and thinking about us up to this point, but we are looking forward to the break for the next couple of months.

Plus, we have a move to plan for!  We will be moving to California this summer.  That is enough to think about right now!

Pushing Forward

Thank you all for the sweet comments and encouragement in this process!  We are excited to still be on this journey towards our child from the DRC.

We know it is a long journey, and this child will not get to live in our current house before we move, but they will join us someday!

So we are taking in the waiting process and trying to enjoy our time together as a family of two.  The waiting is tough, so please keep praying for us to be sustained though this journey.

Some good news:

We are now number 8 on the wait list for a referral!!!!!!!!!!!

Yippeee!!

What I've been fearing to tell you....

Vulnerable

That word has gone through my mind recently.  It is not a nice word.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like having to be vulnerable because it means I need to lay down my pride, which is oh so hard for me to do!

When you receive news like we received last week, it’s easy to close up what’s going on inside and let everyone see me shoulder on… doing just fine.  (yeah right)

My husband is good with sharing the facts.  He can just state how things are.  I tend to get emotions all tangled up in the facts, and it is hard to not let it all out at the same time. 

OK, so here goes….

The Facts:

Our Ugandan adoption fell through.

Ali’s Emotional Response:

We lost our chance to adopt our baby girl!  The world is ending!  We’ll never be able to adopt!  God, why us?  Why me?  What are You doing?  Does this mean I am about to die soon?

The Facts:

We were never guaranteed that this adoption would go through.  It was a chance we took based on information we were given from our agency.

Ali’s Emotional Response:

But we loved her!  We prayed for her.  We dreamt about her being a part of our family and living in our house!  We showed her picture to our families.  They wanted to meet her too!  We were told the birthmother definitely wanted to make an adoption plan!

The Facts:

The birthmother changed her mind, decided to parent her daughter, and disappeared.

A.E.R.:

What?!  Does she know what she is doing?  Does she have a plan for how she is going to take care of her daughter?  What will end up happening to her?  We are so sad!  I feel angry.  I feel betrayed.  I feel lied to.  I feel fed up and ready to give up hope!

The Facts:

It is not in God’s plan for us to adopt this little girl.

A.E.R.:

I thought we were following Your will, God.  Why did You lead us down this road that led to nowhere?  If this wasn’t Your will, why did we feel so strongly that we should pursue it?

With all my questions for God, He answers me gently with HIS Facts.

God’s Facts:

“I am in control.  I have a plan for you.  And I have a purpose for you going through all this.  I love you, and I will never leave you nor forsake you.  I love that little girl too, and I am watching out for her.  My timing is perfect.  And you were not wasting your time pursuing her, you were fulfilling MY time.  My wisdom is infinitely higher than your wisdom, and I know what I am doing.  I am working for your good, to conform you to be more like Christ, and that doesn’t always mean you will get the ending that YOU think is best.  My ways are better.  My ways are best.  You will see it.  Hope in ME.  Wait on ME.  I will redeem your pain and your hurt.  I am trustworthy.

P.S.  The world is not ending, and you are not about to die”

A verse I read after we found out about the failed adoption gave me comfort:

Psalm 71:3, “Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I continually come.”

I want God to be my refuge.  When things keep falling apart on us, I want to continually go to God.  I know He is the answer.  I kind of have the feeling that our struggles are not over.  Ok, I know they are not over, and there are many more to come.  But I want to say that I continually find refuge in God, and keep going to Him no matter what I face.

So that is where I am today.  I am feeling confident and hopeful that God is on my side, and He knows what He is doing.  God gave me the grace to be able to move forward and leave the past behind.  Last week, I was mess.  Now I am much better, ready to share with all of you our journey, and encourage you to trust the Lord as well.

Our adoption journey is not perfect.  It is not smooth.  It is not for the faint of heart.  It is not what I had expected.  

But it is the route that God has set us on, and we follow.  Yes, things have been falling apart on us, but that brings us into more dependence on HIM. 

Thank you for all your prayers on our behalf and on the behalf of our little Sweet Pea!  They meant so much to us, and you were a part of our journey with us!  

We will not be adopting from Uganda from this point forward (unless God has some unforeseen plan).  We are keeping our case file open at the adoption agency, since all our paperwork is current and finished, but we will not be actively working with them anymore.  Our focus and energy will be centered on our Congo adoption from now on.  Keep us in your prayers!

Waiting and Positive Adoption Language

I know it has been a while since I wrote.  We are still in the waiting phase.  We haven't heard any news recently, though we have been promised news "soon."  I guess "soon" is a relative term when it comes to things getting done in Uganda.  We are still waiting to hear what our next step is with the little girl in Uganda.

As for the DRC, we are still #10 on the wait list the last that I checked.  Things have been moving slowly, but they are picking up now.  I hope that we will move at least one spot closer soon.

In the meantime, I wanted to post something from an email newsletter I get about how we/you can all talk about adoption.  This is from American Adoptions:


A New Year's Resolution: Using Positive Adoption Language

It's that time of year. You've committed to that diet. This will be the year you stop drying laundry on the treadmill and start running on it. And you're going to start paying more attention to recycling. But how about a new year's resolution related to adoption?

Words can be very powerful things. Although you may not know it, some of the adoption language commonly heard today can actually have a very negative effect on adoption, as well as adopted children, adoptive families and birth parents.

The way we speak about adoption helps others form their opinion of adoption. It can also impact how an adopted child feels about their adoption and identity. For example, referring to your child as your "adopted son" or "adopted daughter" could make them feel as if they don't truly belong to your family, a feeling that could greatly impact a child's self-esteem.

In addition, one very commonly used phrase regarding birth parents is that they "gave up" or "gave away" their child for adoption. This negative term implies that the birth parents didn't care about their child - when, in reality, birth parents choose adoption out of nothing but love for their child. Instead of this negative language, say that a birth parent "placed their child for adoption" or that they "made an adoption plan." This positive language more accurately reflects the situation, without painting a negative picture of birth parents.

According the U.S. Census, 1 in 25 households with children has at least one adopted child. An even greater ratio of people have certainly been touched by adoption through friends and extended families.

That's why we're promoting the use of positive adoption language as a new year's resolution. It's up to us to change the conversation among our friends and families and in our schools and communities. Below is a list of some commonly used negative adoption language and the positive phrases that should be used in their place:

Negative: Real parent
Positive: Birth parent, birth mother, birth father

Negative: Give up/give away child for adoption
Positive: Place child for adoption, make an adoption plan

Negative: To keep
Positive: To parent

Negative: Unwanted child
Positive: Child placed for adoption

Negative: Is adopted
Positive: Was adopted

Negative: Adoptive parent
Positive: Parent

Negative: Handicapped
Positive: Child with special needs

Negative: Illegitimate
Positive: Born to unmarried parents

Now you guys know how to "talk the talk" whenever you are wanting to ask a family about their adoption.  Hope this helps!

Abandoned in Guatemala: The Failure of International Adoption Policies

I know a couple who had been trying to adopt from Guatemala right when it shut down, and they lost the chance to adopt their children. This explains some the process of international adoption. It is sad to think where things are heading now. For an interesting viewpoint on things, sit back and watch this 20 min video.

(Disclosure: the views expressed in the video do not necessarily represent my views. Please do not get angry at me if you do not agree)

What they mentioned about the Hague Treaty is essentially what happened with Burundi. They signed up, but weren't able to put things in place to complete international adoptions.

I fear something like this may happen in Uganda, or the DRC. We need to be in prayer for these countries! We need to be in prayer for these children!